Conversation Café

CC Tips from Susan

By Susan Partnow, Co-founder of Conversation Cafés and Executive Director, Global Citizen Journey

Cold feet...we all get it from time to time. They're those lingering doubts that prevent us from taking the plunge into what could be an exciting and rewarding experience, but...

What if nobody comes?
Tip #1:  Work with a partner as a co-host.  (And do your marketing)

When you have a co-host, you'll always be guaranteed a great conversation – at least with your partner if no one else!  Having a partner also gives you a back up in case of illness or other emergencies. The partner can also help with marketing: we do need to actively advertise and reach out to get people to our conversations – and to attract a continuing infusion of new participants and perspectives to keep the conversations alive and exciting. We can go beyond our own networks by such means as posting flyers, getting short articles/blurbs/listing in local papers, calendars and newsletters.

What if too many people come ?
Tip #2:  Be ready to divide.

This will be a wonderful challenge to face! After you get everyone's buy in to the agreements and explain the process – split the group into smaller circles of 4 to 8. By this point, everyone has been ‘trained' in the art of hosting a conversation café: ask for one person in each circle to volunteer to be the ‘host' and start each round. You, as the ‘mega-host', can call out to everyone a 5 minute warning before it is time for the final round. You could bring everyone back together at the end if it feels appropriate and the space allows for it: they can share the highlights of their evening, so you leave with a feeling of connection amongst the greater whole. And it's fine if you don't!

What if someone monopolizes the discussion?
Tip #3:  Intervene graciously!

This is a place where you'll need to intervene as the host. I like to be as low keyed about it as possible: sometimes just glancing at my watch – or, more directly, pointing to my watch or making some kind of non verbal signal to wrap up. If that doesn't work, I'll interrupt and gently remind the group of agreement to share the air time (not go ‘on and on') and suggest we make sure we get to hear from everyone. It's important to remain respectful and validating of the person who was talking – yet be firm on protecting the group's agreement to share the time. A sense of humor helps. Often those of us who tend to talk too much (yes: I confess) are aware of the habit and will in fact welcome gentle reminders – especially if they don't make us ‘wrong'. Perhaps a reminder such as, “Let's make sure we get to hear from everyone. Some of us are more comfortable or ready with ideas… Let's be generous in sharing the time and encourage everyone to share before we speak again.”

What if no one talks?
Tip #4:  Use the process.

The beauty of the structure two rounds is, everyone will talk! When you pass the talking object, it brings permission, comfort, and spaciousness to each person to step in to and speak what's on their mind – definitely by the second round. While we want to make it safe and comfortable for people to pass –few will. After all, they have decided to attend and engage in the Conversation Café! One tip: Broaden your comfort zone: Some silence can be a wonderful indication of reflection, depth and even intimacy – and may occur if/when people are deeply moved. If people cease talking at a later point – it may be a sign of a breach of safety – so do what you can to again re-instate the agreements.

What if the conversation veers off topic?
Tip #5:  Welcome the unexpected.

If the energy and aliveness is present in the conversation – and the sense of the group is it is moving in a direction that engages them… There is no such thing as ‘off topic' ! The Big Talk nature of a Conversation Café is meant to be generative and non-linear: Be prepared to be surprise! The topic is merely a starting point: this is not like a debate or a book club or a problem solving session. We want the conversation to go to unexpected places we never could have imagined… which may take you far from the initial notion of the topic. Let go of those expectations and dive in to the creative space you invoke!

What if the venue becomes too noisy and we can't hear each other talk?
Tip #6:  Prevent and adapt.

It is not possible to have a great conversation in a noisy environment – so work with your venue to determine the optimal times and places to convene your conversation. Choose times that are not the busiest. Find the quiet corners or back rooms when possible. Look for places with small, round tables to encourage intimacy and ease of communication. If the venue becomes unexpectedly noisy, see if you can move to another corner of the space. You may need to break in to smaller groups to enhance communication (see #2 above)

What if someone starts promoting something...themselves, a politician, their passion, etc.?
Tip #7:  Prevention is key

It is wise to advise the group when you begin, that this is a promotion free zone. It's part of the principle of listening to understand, not to persuade. If someone falls in to such promotion – take a gentle but firm hand, acknowledging the beauty and power of their passion, but redirecting them to the purpose of a Conversation Café and the caveat to resist persuasion. Ask them a question to go beneath their position or stand, such as “What is the source of your deep passion for this? What is it that makes this so important to you?” Such questions will help get the conversation on track of each person speaking what has heart and meaning for them, deepening the connection between everyone.

What if someone gets upset, angry, rude?
Tip #8: Use the agreements

You'll be in great shape if you are sure to review the agreements before each and every conversation (even for a group of ‘regulars') and get each and every participant's commitment to them. This creates a strong, positive intention, indeed a contract for the conversation – which generally prevents such problems and supports you if they arise. So if someone gets caught up in their thinking or gets triggered into defensiveness and violates the agreements, you can firmly (though gently and calmly) re-assert them. “Let's remember our agreement to listen with respect and to suspend judgment as best we can.“ It's often helpful to just call a time out: “Let's slow down for a minute, breathe, and re-center while we recall our intentions for the conversation…” Usually this will suffice. I try to avoid making anyone ‘wrong' even when there is a transgression: we all need to ‘save face' – judgment usually makes us more defensive. If we keep our reminder spacious, gracious, and not personal, it gives the transgressor a comfortable space to shift in. If the person continues and refuses to abide by the agreements, you can be more direct… and ultimately you can ask them to leave the conversation, since they are choosing to violate the agreements.

What if the conversation just drags and gets really dull?
Tip #9: Get curious and ask provocative questions

Here is a place to exercise your creativity and development your skills. Become a devil's advocate; shift your perspective; ask great questions. What if the opposite were true? What if someone with a very different opinion were here, what might their insight be? What if someone twice as old or twice as young? What is the undiscussable aspect that we are avoiding? Ask for personal stories that relate to the topic: a time when something great or memorable or touching or inspiring happened. You can also pick up a related thread and shift the conversation towards something that energizes you.

What if people don't want to stop when the time is up?
Tip #10: Rejoice… and be firm

What a great challenge to have! A sign of rich conversation, indeed. Still, it is important to stick to the agreements: usually before the conversation begins, we get everyone's agreement on the time we will end. It is important to signal about 10 minutes before that that the time for the final round is nearing… and then to be firm about picking up the talking object to begin that round on time. You can invite people to stay on and continue if they like – but outside of the ‘official' conversation, so that anyone in the circle who wants to leave feels free to do so.

 

If you have a question or concern regarding starting a CC or you've been trying to overcome a particular challenge you've been facing at your CC event, send your question to our CC Administrator. We will do our best to help guide you, and your question may be selected to feature in Susan's regular column, "Ask Susan".