Conversation Café

Strangely Attracted to Conversation Cafés

Simplicity on the Other Side of Complexity

by Keith McCandless, host and participant

In neighborhoods all over Seattle, conversation among strangers is catching on. The conversations are all about big issues and deep questions. What it means to be an American… where can I make a difference in the world… how can we come together in peace… what am I learning in the post-September 11th world.

I am strangely and strongly attracted to Conversation Cafés. Why? What is it that holds my attention and calls others to participate on rainy, dark Seattle nights? What makes this confab so different from the conversations at work, at parties and with family members?

It seems to start with: 1) wonderfully diverse people, 2) entering into a wildly creative conversation, 3) in which surprising themes emerge spontaneously. It is a package that one participant called, "a dynamism that just won't quit!"

1. Diverse People

Café participants often comment how wonderful it is to hear from so many diverse voices. Here are some of the attributes that I have noticed:

• There are vast differences between us and the strangers we talk with at cafés… yet we are more similar than we are different
• Every individual who participates is unique and their uniqueness seems to be amplified by not knowing them in advance (I don't take anyone for granted)
• Each participating neighborhood has an identity and character that shines through in the diversity of people participating
• Although each person starts with an opinion, participants seem to be open to being changed by the conversation (in part because no one is trying to convince anyone of anything)
• Two verbatim quotes sum up the diversity-and-unity in the Cafés:

  Conversations with new people are auspicious.

  Often I am around my own 'circle of friends.' It was interesting to go outside that circle to hear what others - perfect strangers - had to say. America is made up of people like the 7 who sat around the table tonight.

2. Creative Conversation

The Café conversations are full of surprise, excitement, and infinite possibilities
(they are less like affinity-groups and more like infinity-groups). Many participants have noted their "magical" qualities. Most were surprised with the free-flowing, spontaneous creativity and order that emerged.

Café hosts often mention their inability to predict or control the conversational themes. Most, but not all, participants find this unpredictability to be exciting and attractive. As Martin Buber the philosopher suggests, "Every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is not aware."

The creative attributes of the conversational "dance" in Cafés include:

• The direction of the conversation - within a very broad theme - is perfectly unpredictable (so very different than small talk or work discussions)
• Small differences among participants are amplified and combined as the conversation unfolds
• The differences might arise from personal experience, in cultural background, political stripe, or in accidental misunderstandings… but we are never really sure
• It is nearly impossible to trace the origins or causes of themes that emerge… even as they are arising and gaining power in front of you
• Unintended consequences on top of unintended consequences seem to rule the day
• Both constructive and destructive patterns in the conversation arise and fall in relatively short cycles
• Some themes seem to repeat, gain strength and deepen as they are explored
• Others seem very important and then fade away to nothing and inconsequence
• Individual contributions seem to be simultaneously forming and being formed by others and their contributions (a courageous, co-evolving, creative work-in-progress)
• Paradoxically, we discover and lose ourselves in the conversation

Not all Café conversations are wildly creative. All have moments and glimpses of delightful surprises and uncommon insights. Two participant comments sum up the allure of creative conversation:

I am enjoying the emergence of each new group and new conversations... never knowing what and who to expect.

Are we willing to be changed by these conversations? Are we open to change our point of view?

3. Surprising Themes That Emerge

I have noticed that people enter into cafés with specific orientations and expectations. Participants seem to view the Conversation Cafés as a source of something they seek.

Four orientations or attraction patterns stand out. Clearly, each orientation is enriched through participation, yet there is a pattern and a central question that attracts them. Participants seem to be drawn to conversation cafés as a source of:

• Learning: What Are We Learning and Co-Creating?
• Power: Where Will We Find Leverage To Improve the World?
• Cultural Change: What Myth Are We Living; What Is Real & Important Now?
• Healing: How Can We Come Together To Spread Love and Peace?

The conversational themes, in part, arise from these orientations and expectations. I have selected a limited number of verbatim comments from participants that highlight the four orientations. The comments are collected at the end of Cafés. Participants are asked, "What are you taking away from this conversation?"

1. Learning: What Are We Learning and Co-Creating?

We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn. --Mary Catherine Bateson

I'm aware of the longing to understand - to learn - to broaden - to explore - to question...

Grateful for this group that enabled us to speak freely, listen respectfully and go away with some new insights.

Taking away that conversation circles are much like good conversations that accidentally happen in the community.

Good practice in restraining my anger in response to strongly differing viewpoints

How can I better communicate with a person who feels the US war on and with Afghanistan is the "right" way for the US to react to 9/11?

Nice to be heard, have my thoughts reflected on, see how effortlessly new questions come up.

I was hungry and each person handed me a morsel, bursting with flavor.

A question that emerged for me is 'Just what is terrorism?

I'm so glad to be here and to be a part of this. Who knows what can arise out of the 9/11 ashes?

Great and challenging conversation. pushed me into deeper thought around nonviolence - and violence. Appreciated young woman who expressed her doubts about nonviolence.

2. Power: Where Will We Find Leverage To Improve the World?

Our greatest responsibility is to be good ancestors. --Jonas Salk

The 15% of our lives that we do control can make a BIG difference

I'm finding from these conversations that I'm becoming even more
cynical about government, but more hopeful about people.

You (I) must be the change you (I) wish to see in the world.

Where do we go from here?
What can we do personally to improve civic life?

Skepticism is a good thing when it's followed by action and debate.
Since 911 the daily background level of our 'terror' has gone up a notch. There is reason for hope... people are thinking about what's going on."

What concrete, everyday steps can we take to divest ourselves of the current "suicide economy."?

Instead of depending on the radio, newspaper, web to be our gatekeeper, I need to become my own gatekeeper - who are my new authorities? How do I collect information that helps me make global decisions?

That as rich, educated, comfortable as we all are living as white, middle class America, we were fearful of expressing opposition to our government's actions - afraid of harassment, police, bumper stickers, pro-military in region.

A good idea: getting Martha Stewart to do a 9/11 special: The Making of a Burkha: from the Cotton Boll (or Sheep Shearing?) to Sartorial Splendor

About 9/ll - shock to all. Need not to overreact - especially as to civil rights. Need to not do wholesale bombing and/or invasions of countries harboring terrorists.

Those here feel a deep passion for creating a world that works for all.

How important it is to keep the discussions going about 9/ll so we don't fall asleep to the issues that need to be kept alive.

The American dream is to dominate.

3. Cultural Change: What Myth Are We Living; What Is Real & Important Now?

The future enters into us in order to transform itself into us… long before it happens.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

Where are the heroes we need now and how can we support them?

There's tremendous potential energy for cultural transformation that has been unleashed by 9/11 events. Polarities in perception can be (usually are) mass pitfalls - use them.

Be at a table of 7 people and also be at agreement with all individuals. Different yet we are all one.

That we need "reconciliation" forums so the US understands "why do they hate us?

What does it mean to be American today? - and touched on related subjects including democracy in our city government; personal experiences in our community with "Americanism" and our perceptions of "good" and "bad"; wisdom from our founding fathers; education; the language of our government ("prevail," "victory")

We are a culture that lacks a town square. Sometimes I wish we had a natural place to re-hash life, but since we do not, this is an alternative.

What was most meaningful to me tonight was the coming together of people with a specific focus - to talk about how 9/ll changed each of us. This is my media - this is the real news. We share, we incorporate - we need more of this!

How can we use conversation café to organize for social change? To create healthy communities in a bioregion? How can we use the internet as a Conversation Café globally?

Where's the voice of dissention with regard to this war and this lifestyle? Looking at the Mythic symbolism behind people's attachment to the military and to war builds compassion and may suggest appropriate action.

The connection with self and others.

4. Healing: How Can We Come Together To Spread Love and Peace?

It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, for what is essential is hidden from the eyes. --Antoine de Saint Exupery

Conversations with new people are auspicious.

I have a good feeling about the people I have been with tonight.

Can the human race survive past 7 generations?

The community gathering idea is very missing in our society and I am pleased that there are others that see the need for this.

I discovered the wisdom and common sense of my neighbors, and I want to
know them better!

I heard more spirituality in the concerns than I expected to. People seem to be trying to balance us/them, politics/prayer - to integrate seeming opposites.

A little more hope for understanding here "at home" and that we can somehow reach out to others in the world.

At the end of the meeting I was trying not to cry. And they were tears of gratitude for the persons I am with, and not wanting to lose them.

Every person has fears. We should do all we can, one-on-one, to comfort each other through listening and acceptance. Only that will heal animosity.

It's empowering and hopeful that what I want most to do in the world - to connect with and love others - is what might be the most effective thing we can do.

How hard it is to reach the place of sincerity in oneself and share that with a group of strangers - how much easier shallow opinions and posturing are - how distracting it can be to worry about issues of social dynamics and personal attractiveness than to stay with the heart - search and straight talk.

I feel less alienated.

Americans are curious and sincere trying to find answers and make the country a better place to live

Communicating openly and from the heart is powerful. Being open to hearing a different perspective is also precious.

I am not alone.

Wonderful energy here - there is a dynamism that just won't quit.

Simplicity in Complexity

My strange attraction is becoming stronger. Conversation Cafés are absurdly simple approach to profound change.

In my job as an organizational consultant, I spend most of my time carefully focusing "strategic" conversations and initiatives. Yet these unstructured , non-strategic conversations seem so full of life, insight and momentum for transformation. Paradoxically, they create precisely what people want in their organizations.

As Chuang-Tse wisely suggests, "Cease striving; then there will be transformation."

These wonderfully strange conversations have a life of their own… a life that is surprisingly weaves into mine. I am learning more, finding leverage in surprising places, discovering what is important to me now, and feeling more confident that we can heal together!

All this accomplished through simple conversations with strangers about life after September 11th. They are changing the way we talk to one another in Seattle. Conversation Cafés are a perfect way for us to find simplicity on the other side of complexity.