CC Tips from Susan
By Susan Partnow, Co-founder of Conversation Cafés and Executive Director, Global Citizen Journey
Getting Back to Basics when your CC Drifts
How is the quality of conversation in your café? Do you continue to be moved, touched and inspired by what arises? Or has it begun to feel stagnant?
Sometimes we notice certain patterns and challenges arise in ongoing groups: Perhaps a few ‘old timers' tend to dominate. Or a member shows up who tends to get challenging (“you're wrong”) or a fervently opinionated member launches into a lecturing or preaching mode. The group seems to tolerate this by being nice and the host says nothing, reluctant to create a conflict. Or there is a rising pressure to skip reviewing the agreements or using the talking object: after all, people ‘know' the process and could get along fine without them.
If you want to reclaim and enhance the alive, creative and generative spirit of your conversations – renew your commitment to the basics! They really work.
The conversation café process is distinct from ordinary conversation and it is adherence to the process that shifts small talk to Big Talk. In our ordinary conversations, while we may agree to be ‘civil' – we have not contracted to suspend judgment or actively work to stay open and indeed seek new insights and discovery. The agreements are actually quite radical in the shift they create.
rad·i·cal
[ rad -i-k uh
l] –adjective
1.
of or going to the root or origin; fundamental: a radical difference.
2.
thoroughgoing or extreme, esp. as regards change from accepted or traditional forms: a radical change in the policy of a company.
Let's look at each of the agreements and the radical difference each makes:
• Open-mindedness : listen to and respect all points of view.
With this agreement, we are making a firm pledge and commitment to actively open our minds to different perspectives. Plus, this agreement reminds us that conversation isn't just talking. It's talking and listening. In fact, in a group of 4-8, we listen more than we talk! By focusing on listening, we also benefit from the variety of ideas around the table.
• Acceptance : suspend judgment as best you can.
We all judge one another, but in a Conversation Café we earnestly commit to doing our best to avoid judging – or at least to notice and then suspend those judgments when we catch ourselves. This enables us to hear new things and helps create a sense of safety for everyone.
• Curiosity : seek to understand rather than persuade.
This is the key to the heart of a Conversation Café, as opposed to ordinary ways of talking. We are not engaging to convince others that we are right and they are wrong. Rather, we commit to ‘get curious, not furious' – so if someone expresses a point of view that seems to contradict ours, we ask questions to gain clarity or understanding. “Wow, that is so different than my thinking… What leads you to see it that way?”
• Discovery : question old assumptions, look for new insights.
Conversation Cafe dialogues aren't polite conversation, which so often consists of us saying the same old things we've always said. We know it is a vibrant, alive conversation when we have an ‘aha' moment and find ourselves hearing/saying something we've never – opening to new ideas or possibly even see old ideas in a new way. Insight – seeing more deeply into a topic – can come when we invite and watch for it.
• Sincerity : speak for yourself about what has personal heart and meaning.
Rather than expounding on our opinions or data we've collected, we express what's important to us, relating our ideas to our personal experience. We reveal why something is important to us and go to the heart of the matter, speaking from the “I” place – not abstract theory, reports or someone else's view.
• Brevity : go for honesty and depth but don't go on and on.
We commit to sharing airtime so that everyone has a chance to speak.
When we enter into a conversation with a commitment to do our earnest best to abide by these agreements – we create an incredibly generative space where something new, creative, deepening – and wise – can arise. These powerful intentions take us to a whole different way of being together than ordinary conversation where we are polite, but generally just tolerating what each other says while we refine our rebuttal.
In my experience, it is essential to review each of these agreements before each and every conversation (I like to ask each member of the circle to read one). And I always make sure I get everyone's buy-in – by a nodding of heads or even raising of hands. This means that everyone makes a commitment to do their best to abide by these agreements for the next hour and a half. And then, as a host, I can fall back to these standards if things seem to slip – without any blame or judgment, but just with a gentle reminder of our intention and the honorable challenge for us to work to abide by the agreements.
And, when I adhere to the process – using the talking object and engaging in two rounds before opening to discussion – I inevitably find that, by the time we get to the discussion, the group has reached a point of deep connection and mutual appreciation. We've ‘slowed down to the speed of wisdom' and enter a realm of Big Talk, where respect and surprises abound.
If you have a question or concern regarding starting a CC or you've been trying to overcome a particular challenge you've been facing at your CC event, send your question to our CC Administrator. We will do our best to help guide you, and your question may be selected to feature in Susan's regular column, "Ask Susan".
