Keeping the Ball in the Air
A good conversation is more like a game of hacky-sack than a game of tennis - the objective is to keep the ball in the air, not to defeat your opponent. At its best, such conversation gets deeper and richer the longer it can be sustained.
As a host, you are in the position to keep the ball in the air by asking questions. Here are some tools and ideas a host can use to keep the ball in the air. Keep these in mind before and during the conversation.
Components of a Good Conversation
- An alive topic of interest to all
- An open and receptive mood
- People willing to listen as much as speak
- A willingness to drop preconceptions and explore many ideas
- A comfortable setting in which people can easily hear each other
- A small enough group that everyone can speak
Helpful Guidelines
- Listen to understand-to expand your insights, to see differences and similarities, to learn.
- Speak to share and inform, raise or answer questions, offer an insight, help focus the discussion, state an opinion.
- Keep it inclusive-share the airtime, encourage everyone to join in, avoid dominating or interrupting.
- Search for deeper meaning. Look for core needs or values underlying people's feelings.
- Offer and ask for specifics rather than generalizations.
- If the conversation gets hot, with interruptions and excited repartee, consider using the Talking Object to slow things down.
- Ask for a time out if the conversation seems to be fragmenting, confusing or chaotic. A moment of silence can be helpful.
- If stuck in disagreement or debate, respectfully acknowledge your differences and change course to explore underlying assumptions, differing information, beliefs, values, etc.
Helpful Questions
To use to deepen, redirect or lighten up the conversation
- If your instinct is to counter another's statement
- Can you say that in another way?
- This is what I heard you say. is it what you meant?
- If you are with someone who begins advocating for a fixed position
- What led you to this point of view?
- If someone has been silent
- I'm wondering if you have some thoughts or feelings about what you've been hearing?"
- If someone's response indicates that they didn't understand you
- Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?
- If you are with someone who always agrees with you
- What if the opposite were true?
- If it gets too theoretical
- If what you are proposing came to pass, how would things be different?