Inquiry, Not Persuasian

A question from Ray Anderson in Kansas sparks this column:

"As the host I believe that I was both an ‘active conversant’ and an active listener, because I very much value the idea that ‘Cafés are unique because they foster inquiry rather than debate—minds and hearts are both involved.’ However, because I have some deeply felt views about the state of the world, what's wrong, and what we can do about it, I worry about expressing myself with too much conviction and making it difficult for others to express their differences. I wonder if other hosts worry about this, too."

Overly influencing the conversation is a wise thing for a host to worry about! Thanks for an excellent inquiry, Ray. Hosts tend to be very passionate and energetic people, which are wonderful qualities and are what fire them up to take on the role of hosting. The flip side of these great qualtities is that we need to monitor ourselves carefully to keep the space and safety preserved for every participant.

Conversation Cafés are designed to foster a grassroots, self-organizing, self-empowering revitalization of democracy. To embody American ideas of equality, the model allows anyone to host, and includes the host as a participant—just one of the circle—rather than as an expert or someone with control or power over the group. This aspect of Conversation Cafés brings challenge along with opportunity.

We must face the reality that the role of host comes with unavoidable influence that may make what the host says outweigh others’ comments, despite our intention for equality. Some individuals in the group may be especially prone to hear the host’s words at a stronger level. My children helped me learn this lesson, when they would say, “Mom, stop yelling at us!” at times when I was feeling firm, but quite calm and soft-spoken. They heard me at a much higher decibel level than my actual speaking volume because I had power, whether I was consciously aware of it or not. Intensity and passion can be received as overbearing, especially when coupled with a role such as host.

Given all of this, as hosts we have to be careful and possibly hold ourselves back a bit. Leave ample space and time for others to speak. Be scrupulous in observing the agreements to seek to understand rather than persuade. I encourage each of us to reflect on how our passionate views impact the conversation. We may want to explicitly empower participants and advise them, “You may find your host’s passion gets in the way of open conversation; as a participant you can stop or slow down the conversation to invoke the agreements at any time. We are all learning to converse in these new ways and need to help remind each other.”

Let us be impeccable in our primary commitment to gathering people for generative, co-creative inquiry and conversation. Our prime role is to create a hospitable, gracious environment for each and every participant. And take to heart a saying from the dialogue community:

If you’ve said it before, why bore yourself?
Don’t bother speaking the ideas you arrive with.
Wait for something new to be discovered.

Susan Partnow is a co-founder of Conversation Cafés, and a Partner Coordinator of Let's Talk America.