Our families – famously – don’t always agree with us. Holidays can get hostile when our good cheer turns to bad will as politics and prejudice bubble up around the table. America is so polarized right now that you will surely be with people who differ with you over war, abortion, gay marriage, charter schools, national health care to name just a few hot button issues. What do you say – after you’ve nearly choked on your food? Rather than argue, inquire. What led this person you otherwise care for to hold an opinion you loathe? Asking for their story – “what happened that led them to their point of view” – opens room for understanding and human connection.

Who hasn’t met a “know-it-all” at a party? You’re stuck in a corner, eyes darting for an escape route, while Mr. Big Brain is going on and on and on about a topic that barely interests you. Now what? While someone’s expertise might bore you, human beings themselves are endlessly fascinating. Asking “how this information affects him personally” switches out of the brain and into the heart and soul. So if you’re bored – and you can’t escape – redirect the conversation to those sweet, deep waters of self-reflection.

Most misunderstandings come from reacting to what someone didn’t say or mean. Reflecting back what you heard will help your relative or fellow guest either correct a mis-impression, or hear how bad he sounded and recant. Either way, in a few sentences you’ll actually end up on the same page… and maybe find yourselves on the same side of the fence. If you are on the receiving end of a reflection, it helps to not say, “No, you idiot, that’s not what I said” if it doesn’t sound right. Something more like, “Close but not quite it. Here, let me try again…” works way better.